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A Year of Poetry by Amanda Paweska


INNOCENTS' BLISS
Once upon a time
I used to fall
in love,
- long ago
when the world was
bite sized
and it sounded so easy:
one kiss, one waltz,
one slipper.
A soul
whored out to Disney
by demonic brothers
and lonely old men.
Guilty conscious
whipped clear;
a heart on the sleeve
is never worth
two in the bush.
The value of secrets
is never freely given,
the price of truth
depends on the lie.
Poetic accounting.
I could love you,
but I won't.
You're teaching me,
moulding me
not to.
The world reaches
farther than
the palm of your hand;
all callused and weathered.
Seasons, no more than seasons.
And the ending
was never guaranteed.
Tread lightly
and don't ruffle the leaves.
Midnight pumpkins
never keep their shape.
Falling was easy,
before you had
to land.

01/30/09




ABSOLUTION
Laid out
on crisp white sheets
traces
like fingerprints.
Each one crafted
in their different style;
layered together - undistinguishable.
One after the other
they fade away.
Stained
a pin prick of light
tells they were there.
Swept away,
so easily tossed aside
in a wave
of cotton-polyester blend.
Spin cycle.
Rinse.

02/03/09




GUILTY CONSCIOUS
Tongue of witch,
and nubile hands
of a lover:
The new hope.
As seductive
on broken promises
and false lies
as truth from a shattered frame.
Youth never will
spring eternal;
we only wish it that way.
Age sagging,
knowledge learned
and experience tainted.
Each piece committed
to memory,
to sensory.
Blanketed
by those virgin white eyes
of the conspired.
Who's rules break
against the back,
strained,
sweated arch.
What declaration scrawls
on inner walls;
independence
from the convention.
Confessions
of the confused,
who knew all along.
All hushed tones,
and secrets glances
honesty of its own right,
written.
Reminders of what
you really are.

02/11/09




THE PROCESS
Empty pages.
Broken lines of faded ink
the planes, the pains
unanswered call.
Unhoned, unskilled fear
trapped.
Twisted curves, cursive,
sharp points, balled.
The day of reckoning
spills on the page;
unread, unlearned,
unwritten.
Confession on fallen ears,
screwed eyes, tight.
Break.
Broken, pieced and split.
Foreign language,
foreign body
declared - unanswered.
Unknown.
Etched, and exposed
indecent innocence
proposed, penned
pencil pushed.
Bleed.
Crumpled, tossed.
Empty.

02/25/09




LAVISHED ON STRANGERS
Silly little girl,
the broken smile
while on her knees,
begs.
Twisted affection
on crocked fingers,
stretch.
Seen as an itch
of arched back,
and straining thighs,
shake.
Stripped naked
and exposed
by the parting of her lips,
work.
Fully clothed.
Heart on her sleeve,
but he never sees
what's on her face
lie.
Unsaid words litter
the bottom, underfoot;
love letter confetti,
useless confessions.
beg.

03/02/09




PARABLE
A myth,
a legend on the tip
of my tongue
fingertip traced,
and thigh clenched.
The lover.
mystical beast,
hero breeched
- the fallen image, formed.
time faded truth,
bronzed, by sensory memory.
Rescuer of the broken,
and flawed.
Only an hour of your grace
- silence speaks aloud
of an empty caress.
Cold comfort, compressed.
Smile means nothing,
all teeth and tongue.
Snarled, gnarled, torn.
Storyteller's trap,
the twisted tangle
of words, like sheets
between naked legs bared.
The virgin,
another's myth
of long forgotten lore.
Flushed flesh,
with straining breath robbed.
The act, the play
all on your stage.
An odyssey, a great battle:
both will fall.
Those little deaths.
No one speaks of,
but all scream about.
An oral tradition
takes root.
Recanted, reworded
and always rewritten.


03/13/09




DANCING BACKWARDS
I want you,
I hate that
- I need, and thrive, on it.
A drug,
its addiction
legal across the board,
but twice as deadly,
dangerous
and twice as tempting,
beautiful.
Pulse quick, hands clammy
the wet burn spreads.
Skin covered stretch
arch, ache.
Head-spins, nauseous
One step forward
pushes two steps back
- and repeat.
Broken down pieces
in the chase, chaste.
A false delusion,
safe
from standing still
- the world tilts
and you slip, I fall
-graceful.
I want you,
to hate me
- the need and crave of it.
Silence is speaking
through drum heavy back beat,
calling.
Silence is breaking
through drum heady back beat,
pounding.
Silence is...
aching.

04/16/09




SEARCH
Never find
the right words,
stumbling,
tripping,
scampering,
tumbling,
Falling face first
and back again.
Fear;
the creeping,
sneaking
and crawling.
Skin twitch,
heart flutter
- grief too deep
to contain,
spilling,
raging,
slipping,
breaking.
The brink
of emotional madness,
idiocy and pain,
mourn.
First step
out from under,
up and it’s over.
Wilted,
withered,
spoiled.
Come in empty,
leave hollow.

05/04/09




MIRRORED IMAGE
The clawed foot
of twisted features
Patch-worked pieces
of bruised and scarred skin,
one’s life history written.
Festered rot
from the inside out,
always seen too late,
becomes the
valueless skin
its printed on;
Crumpled and reworked,
recycled chunks of profane parchment.
The body of a love
disposed of. Decayed.
Dismembered lover’s part.
Sex drips
off her lips, over her hips;
bleeds from her.
Disfigured
the image – broken,
the role – a token:
The flawed face,
on the flawed figure,
once made beautiful
- seemed that way.
It’s a flawed reflection
once the heart still beats.
Disrupted,
shattered and distorted,
reflected back.
Outside is anew,
under the glassed lips
of sugar coated sweetness.
The shell of
flesh to be feasted.
The glazed gaze
out from frosted eyes.
All things are broken
in time.

05/07/09




REMEMBER DEATH
Slit my wrist
and bleed to the page,
life split ink
slithers, slips:
The naked expose
of a pounding heart,
long since beaten, broken
but never silenced.
The rhythm, words
clinch – no exhale.

Resurrection.
Phoenix burning
without the smoke, smouldered.
Not the first,
always hopes for the last.
No second nature
of the first lesson;
just recalled steps
from someone else’s dance.
Risen.

Coursing life recounts
in free flowing words;
pumped, tainted
the tangible fed to the page,
devoured on mass.
Naked, between the lines,
quivering on the last.
Exhilarated, immortal
and fragile to the touch.
Ashes.

05/27/09




COLD COMFORT
Self inflicted punishment
sought out from you,
your offer.
- Your sharpened tongue
and iron trapped mind.
A fool to try,
a slave to consider.
From hateful words
seek the frozen embrace,
an understanding,
a need
to feel the worst,
under the guise of best.
Used and wasted
from double edged words;
abuses as affection,
the role of a fallen woman, found.
Scripture carved to flesh;
violent, angry verse
of your love’s lost, missing.
What the meek inherit
the master never offers.
But taken too far away.
Broken, blistered,
language bruised:
Best not to question
one moment’s grace.
- accept and move on,
awaiting the next...
Is that your God
at your side,
the devil’s whisper in your ear?

06/07/09




ONCE, MAYBE TWICE
Something, like beautiful,
once. Maybe twice
in the quieted creases
of your sleeping brow, relaxed.
The softness, the stillness;
only a moment’s memory
when tangled limbs spoke
and the close press of flesh
meant something. May have.
Once, maybe twice
for a moment’s time, anyway.
Intimate, naked inside.
Strangely beautiful
that flash of existence,
the light touch of happiness,
however brief:
a careless caress,
a tightened hold.
Under pale skin
stretched, softened -
hot breath scorched,
and scarred when quiet hands moved.
Guilted, flawed.
But no promises fell
from your parted lips,
kiss swollen and moist,
once seen as beautiful:
maybe twice, maybe.
Delusions of affection bred,
as the friendly consequence.
Never a choice, no freed will,
when a heart sped
and a tiny smile spread
out. Once, twice;
too many to count.
Something like beauty,
when looking back once,
maybe twice. Never again.

07/09/09




MUTED
Slipping under
in vanished colours, fade.
Invisible blindness.
Seeps in
as you think
what you cannot speak.
Hold your tongue girl,
tow the line girl.
Lose yourself
in what others want;
expect, need...
Long suffering martyr
only a fool in disguise.
Hold fast fool
keep steady fool
but never utter a sound.
Your deafening cries
could offend the balance,
upset their status quo.
You stay still,
let the hole rot
from inside out
- no escape.
Bound and twisted,
turned to breaking.
Gagging, over choking
on the bile of words,
over process thoughts.
Cease to be,
rather than act it.
Drown.

07/13/09




AFFECTION’S LIE
Of every man
who’s ever caressed
my sheets, covered my body
with his
-cheapened
by a liar’s kiss,
a salesman’s touch.
Remembering you
is an act of treason
against myself.
I trusted,
I felt,
thought I knew.
Call me idealistic
-the naive, the fool -
if you have to:
The romantic cynic,
the nonbeliever of belief.
It’s an act of love,
a rouse, a game
without the script.
Swore it wasn’t real.
Dirtied inside
by the naked scars,
the fingerprints
of where you’ve been,
Hearts break everyday,
even by the same hand.
Hungry ghosts feast
on the festering memories.
Of all the men
who’ve touched and taken,
an affection lie
leads to ruin.

07/14/09




FIELD OF VIEW
Were you bad for me then,
or worse now?
A chased down fantasy
of the plainest type.
The simplest touch
from its broken and complicated source.
Those twisted tales
from an unwritten tome,
warnings gone unseen, unabided
by the unbridled.
Blinded heart
exposed at the sleeve
a token, a trinket
at once too shiny to collect,
but drawn to caress, touch, taint.
Fingerprint smudged,
the smeared reflection -
in your own image shattered.
Only sought out solace,
in the crook of your arms and curved mouth;
thought to be shelter,
not the storm.
Rather found a false prophet
of true lies – mix truths
like beauty for the eyes who behold.

Once, you were good for me,
better then.
A tangible reality,
once within my grasp.
A moment’s taste,
with a whiskey soured burn.
In a moment of weakness
clung to, devoured.
An easy choice, yes,
not foolishly pursued;
never forever, just the time.
Felt real in the moment,
now faded edges blur
in hot echoed breath with callused fingertips.
The marks all linger,
the lesson remains.
Uncovered soft malleable flesh,
the still beating heart, stalled, restarted.
Awakened deep desired worth,
your teachings of an honoured student:
sum of parts, and parts of some.
Everything has its ugly splendour,
discoloured bruises fade.
Blinded eyes open
to the beatified mess. 

08/05/09

ORACLE
The flow of tears
should have cleansed you,
washed you,
 the solid weight of
and burning heat,
from my skin,
off my mind.
But heart retains,
it remains;
waterlogged beats.
A tear for each touch,
drops matching each kiss,
rip, roaring, scorched.
Lips lie.
Hearts break.
Memories haunt.
The tears still fall,
the track-marked streaks
from a deadlier addiction,
a more vicious threat
devours from within without.
The sin remains,
hanging, lingering over
the freshly scoured skin,
stale smoke burned out.
As told before,
his story repeats
as her future stalls, stutters.
False hands.
Fake words.
Fallacy...crushed.
The diehard beating belief
felt, expressed and tear stained
the heartbroken walks wounded,
the familiar way home.
Once, always
heard it all uttered before.
08/25/09

FLEETING
Held tight
in hollow arms,
naked chest pressed
to the naked heart’s beat.
Tangle of limbs,
man sized flesh trap:
squeezed, wrapped and swaddled
all fragile and feminine
under his touch.
Caressed, moulded
under the movement
of his hands, his skin.
Sleep covered
and heavy lidded;
domestic moment’s bliss,
affection’s fool.
Held tight
as nigh died,
as skin cooled;
swollen lips and damp things.
Finger tipped ghost
haunted across skin;
remembered, relieved,
Relished, never released.
Damned by the memory.
Precious for the moment’s pass,
protected and coveted.
Naive heart pulled,
but half is never the whole.

08/28/09  

TECH-KNOWLEDGED

Modern affliction
of new aged affection
- these walking, talking wounded
not scars as notches,
belt buckles and bedposts.
Textually active
in the wasted age of coded viruses;
no one takes the patch.
No one speaks the language.
Are people real
or just LCDed in dim lighting?
The classical has faded;
it’s the gender switch
of our statused quo.
Promises go unbroken
when no words are given voice.
A message left to beep.
Can’t fend reality
when it’s virtual, even in flesh.
Maintained as unreal,
but doesn’t go untouched.
Not all are fun and games,
but play --
someone is hurt.
Hearts still beat, and blood pounds.
First contact is made,
one sided, one risk.
A shrinking planet
on global scale.
Pixeled perfect for the next,
one smile, cruel click.
Even the poetry
looses it pulse.
Modernity! Evolve,
and die.

09/09/09

‘WHO ARE YOU?’
(Lewis’ carol)
Flame licked,
but nothing sticks
- it’s everything.
Fighting the fire
with acid’s rain.
I’m not Alice;
nothing tall and no one small.
Burnt, from inside
out. Taken and twisted.
No one’s looking, glass;
it’s down the whole.
Live through this
the challenge, the threat;
not all hopeful
to walk on wounded.
Censored, banned, forgotten.
Never was Alice.
Mad, cries the hatter.
Created
for the process,
broken
by the attempt.
No fault’s line,
the difference, in time.
Spoken riddles with Cheshire smiles.
It’s no wonder, this land.
Just those treaded -
tear flooded valleys
with landings out of reach;
a mere fork in the road.
A missing person
dreamed, the guide to love.
Queen of hearts?
Only games of chance:
the head’s off,
and the paint is peeling.
True colours never stay hidden long.
Here again Alice.

10/05/09

  QUESTIONS AT THE END
Pushed and pulled,
and packaged.
the raw nerve rubbed.
Emotion starved
- steadfast; fasting of safety’s sake.
The risk possessed, pressed
in the search of stones;
strong and hard
but it crumbles under touch:
the worsted weight.
Frailty shows,
it frays at the edges,
exposed at the root.
It’s the dirty little secret’s bed
with questions at the end.
Fresh wounds
from old scars
- the coward’s confidence.
If the past repeats;
expect it, accept it.
Perfect and ugly words
 when remembered, recalled
at once declared.
Affection’s deadly curse:
it’s tainted truth from touch
- all deceived, wasn’t it?
Acceptance is the virtue,
understanding once the price.
Fooled, in smoke and mirrors:
arrogant ignorance prevailed.
Shredded and stripped
and soiled.
Just a cosmic mistake,
 a lesson learned on broken sheets
of grey.

10/27/09