Title: Cannonball
By: Amanda Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca Rating: PG
Spoilers: Really, the Season 4 spoilers. Disclaimer: The song is by Damien Rice, and the characters are owned by Jerry and CBS. Summary: Song Fic. Grissom and his analytical mind. Based on the Season 4 speculation that Grissom was ready to do the pursuing. G/S Completed: February 27, 2004 Notes: I couldn’t do a ‘normal’ song fic, where the lyrics match the mood or whatever, I had to make him analyse it.
Gil Grissom had never been a fan of silly, little love songs, but he did respect their ability to put complex emotions into simply lines. Something he wasn’t capable of and feared he never would be. So he found himself curious of them, and out of this curiosity he now found himself listening to one; studying it.
The gentle guitars sounds were not soothing, they were almost haunting. Which made his take closer notice to the male voiced lyrics.
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Before he could scoff, an image flashed in his mind; chocolate brown eyes and a wide-gapped smiled. Sara filled his head.
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on
He found himself relating to someone else’s words – which all of his quoting had always been.
It was true, every time she was near he had not idea what was going on. Her presence always made his mind go blank. She claimed to talk too much, and he could never talk enough.
And she was always there – the living ghost that haunted his life – even when he pushed her away. Or at least tried to. Only she saw everything he did and was…he couldn’t hide from her really, even when he tried…but to kiss her.
No, he shook his head to clear that thought from her head, that constant thought that plagued him.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Slipping into rationalism; Grissom found the chorus absurd. The flowery images of a pop based love song. He was stopping himself from falling too deeply into the self-reflection of this other man’s words. Seeing himself could be the most dangerous thing – it leads to exposure.
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on
Only it was all true, and he knew it. She was always there. Like how every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. Her voice was always in his ears – wanted or not. But when he heard her, while all alone, he never heard what he wanted to. Although he wasn’t sure what that was. Maybe a confirmation that it actually wasn’t too late. A reassurance that he wasn’t just some delusional aged man.
But she was so close to him, no longer psychically, but in every other way. So much so that he couldn’t see anything clearly anymore.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Now the chorus made sense. The illogical possibilities were a clear-cut metaphor now in the entomologist’s mind. It was the pure power of her. How everything was different while being with her, around her.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
It was all about the kind of power that caring for her produced. Not just some losses, but a great power that allowed anything to be possible. Of course he was aware of the sugar-coated cliché of it all, but also the residing truth. But the key was that he needed to take the step to allow her this power. He needed to find the strength to break down for her, to let her in
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just… don't know
If he could let her in – if – he would see himself exposed. He would fall, but the fall really wasn’t the problem. At least not the action. Leaving himself exposed wasn’t easy naturally, but that was the lesser of the two problems. The fears were what were holding him back – afraid of losing her, of scaring her off with his unguarded self. And what if she left when he exposed himself? He was plagued with that if, that would destroy him.
But that, as he finally saw it, was the point. There were no guarantees. That isn’t how this works. This thrill of going for her, of trying was part of the point. He could only ‘grow’ if he went for it, if he made the attempt. He just needed to have faith in it.
He sat silently for a moment. The words, and the meaning he found in them soaking in. He understood it now. A light had finally gone on.
For that reason he pressed the ‘back’ to reply the track.
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
He saw that now too…she would always be there. This would always be there…neither was just going to go away. And he didn’t want them to.
